These are “never do at bedtime” tips for wives who want to keep the magic in their marriage:

1. Get into bed with him: Often the woman who doesn’t have to get up early in the morning will stay up and watch the late news or the late movies. Husbands may see this as an excuse not to have sex.

The solution to the problem is get into bed, anyhow. You can have some time together cuddling and touching. Then you can get up again and do what you wish after your husband falls asleep.

2. Don’t wear moisturizers and mud pack or tweeze your eyebrows and manicure your nails in front of him: No man wants to make love to a greasy face or wants to wait until his partner’s nails are dry.

3. Don’t use the bedroom as an arena to air your complaints:

Don’t use bedtime to voice the things that are bothering you all day. Do use it to talk about the things that draw you closer to each other.

4. Don’t read in bed: Many a man feels neglected by a wife who can’t resist finishing her novel, no matter how many hours she reads in bed. Don’t do it.

5. Don’t talk over the phone when you’re in bed together: Take care of your telephone obligations on your own time, not on your time with your man.

6. Stop buying him pajamas that he refuses to wear: Let him buy his own or not wear them if he does not want to. He will not catch cold.

7. Do not take up three quarters of the bed or most of the bedcovers: Buy a bigger bed or sleep with two blankets.

8. Let him touch you, even if your hair is wet: Try washing it a little earlier. If he doesn’t mind being a little wet, why should you?

9. Don’t keep dirty tissue paper under the pillow: Keep a little plastic pail or a small plastic bag tucked in on your side under the bed for whatever you have to discard during the evening.

10. Don’t wear night clothes that he hates: If your husband doesn’t like you wearing pajamas, get some pretty nighties.

11. Use bed linens that he likes: Many women decorate their bedrooms without consulting their husbands. Discuss your bedroom decor with your man.

12. Never get into bed without being clean: If you like to shower in the morning, make sure that you are still smelling fresh and clean when you go to bed.

13. Don’t tell him to take the garbage out or check the front door just as he is getting into bed: Remind him to do the chores before he gets into bed–or do them yourself.

14. Don’t eat in bed or leave crumbs around: Have your late snack before coming to bed or cut it out.

15. Stop slapping your double chin before switching the light off: The less of your beauty routines you show your husband, the better.

16. Don’t ask him to remember when you were both younger: Wives often pick bedtime to say, `Remember when. This is a bad idea.

17. Don’t comment on how handsome the newscaster on your television set or the leading man in the movie that you are both watching is: Now is the time to concentrate on how terrific your husband is.

18. Be attentive: Give your husband your full attention.

Take the case of Diana, an aspiring gymnast. She fell in love with a fellow gymnast, and in the course of their relationship, she noticed her guy showed bias against babies and kids. Warning signs flared deep in her but she ignored these and married him anyway. She thought she was just mistaken. When she told him months later that she was pregnant, she never expected violent reaction form her husband. But he did. He urged her to get an abortion. Diana refused and, as a result, he abandoned her. This incident could have been avoided in the first place if Diana had not fallen in love with a man who abhors kids.

Not all men love children. How sure are you that your mate loves kids? Simple. Just keep watch if he exhibits the following telltale signs:

• He talks to kids with care and utmost respect.
• He enjoys their company.
• When both of you go shopping, he would point out baby items and infant clothing and wish he could buy these for your future baby.
• He exhibits high regard and enthusiasm for children.
• When occasion permits, he willingly reads bedtime stories to your younger siblings.
• He rough plays with them around the house.
• He makes time to wipe away the tears from a child’s eyes.
• He treats them to a backyard picnic.
• He joins cloud gazing with them.
• When he visits you, he often brings pizzas, candies and other kiddie snacks.
• He takes the time to ask them how their day at school was.
• He helps them with their school projects and assignments.
• He brings them to libraries, museums, and theme parks.
• He teaches them proper manners and sets good examples for them.
• He is firm yet gentle with a child’s temper tantrums and idiosyncrasies.
• When time permits, he involves them in his activities.
• He recognizes a child’s inherent talent and nurtures them to bring out the best in a child.
• He enjoys mimicking a child’s talk.
• He shows genuine appreciation for them.

On the other hand, here are the top 5 signs that your mate dislikes children:

• When he brings you to his own family, you will notice that his small brothers and sisters cower in a corner and look at him with disgust.
• He angrily shouts at them for the slightest infraction.
• He avoids any talk or discussion about babies or children.
• He grits his teeth in annoyance every time a child approaches him for small favors.
• He shows cold and total disregard for a child’s feelings.

You’re on Your Own

As a result of these changes, couples have no replacement for the old family support system and are left on their own, without mentors or trusted guides. This isolation is reinforced by the general belief that it is a sign of weakness to get help or it is wrong “to air your dirty laundry in public.”

We are left with millions of stoic couples residing in individual homes, practicing self-reliance and trying to reinvent the wheel called a “successful marriage.” Judging from the divorce statistics, we are not doing too well.

Choose your friends wisely

You can’t go to just anyone for support, because not everyone supports your relationship. And that is the determining factor in asking for help. Unless the person 1) stands behind you, 2) admires and cares about your spouse, and 3) cares about the success of your marriage, don’t go to them with your issues.

Your mother may love you unconditionally, but underneath, she may also think your husband is not good enough for you. If you go to her with complaints about him, she will readily agree with you. Someone taking your side may temporarily feel good, but it won’t help the matter.

You need someone who “knows” your husband and knows why you love him, so you can be reminded.

If someone doesn’t support both of you, you can still be friends, just don’t use that person when you need comfort or advice about your marriage.

The other groups of people not to go to at these times are individuals who are newly divorced or veterans of multiple divorces. You already know what they are likely to think is the answer to your problems. Unless that’s the answer you’re certain you’re looking for, stay away!

In addition to someone who is supportive of both of you, seek out successful role models. You’ll get much more valuable advice from people who have made their relationships work through thick and thin than from those who have failed but “learned” from their mistakes.

Don’t Wait

Don’t wait until the situation is critical before you seek help. People used to go to their parents or relatives for advice about even the smallest situations. Taking care of little annoyance in the early stages will prevent a major disturbance from erupting in the future. You will be amazed by the simplicity of the advice others offer and you hadn’t thought of.

Find What’s Best for You

Before problems become too great, seek professional counseling. There is still sometimes a stigma against therapy, as if by going to a counselor or therapist you are admitting weakness or defeat. Letting such feelings stop you from seeking assistance is as senseless as not going to an orthopedist to set a broken leg.

It’s downright stupid to suffer unnecessarily when there are so many caring, proficient counselors available. Living with the hope that the problem will clear up and go away on its own is not a solution. Face it; you can’t always handle it on your own.

Research shows that people with a positive self-concept are more at peace with themselves and those around them – including their marriage partner.

In social situations, it’s all too easy to tell loving couples from warring ones, based on how they treat each other. Most everyone has been at a party where one half of a couple has taken a public jab at the other. It’s a bad idea to use the cover of an audience to say something you would not say in private. Experts agree that couples who can’t contain their criticisms in public are in serious trouble. And it is lethal to your mate’s self-esteem.

Healthy couples, on the other hand, use every opportunity to boost one another in front of other people and to cast each other in the best light – much as they did in their dating days when they wanted their friends and family to like their new love. These couples increase each other’s self-esteem by being good publicists.

Here are 10 ways to improve your mate’s self-esteem:

• Accept your mate unconditionally. This is the bedrock that helps people move out of the quicksand of negative emotions.
• Put the past in perspective. Understanding your partner’s personal history will give both of you the perspective from which to see a hopeful future.
• Plant positive words in your mate. Showing appreciation of your mate’s fine qualities chips away at negative self-esteem. Affirming words reveal the image of Christ in your spouse.
• Encourage your mate during difficult times. It is important to go through suffering together. When you express your need for another person, that person feels valued and worthwhile.
• Give your mate the freedom to fail. If your partner is terrified of failure, self-esteem is sure to be the culprit. Let him or her know that it is okay to be human. It’s okay to make mistakes.
• Please your mate. Let your mate know he or she is valued by doing the things that please him or her.
• Help your mate do what is right. Create an environment that enhances spiritual and moral health. Model spiritual sensitivity and affirm your mate’s desire to follow God.
• Help your mate develop friendships. If your spouse looks only to you for encouragement, he or she may begin to wonder about other people’s evaluations. Encourage friendships outside your marriage, both with couples and individuals.
• Help your mate keep life manageable. When you are constantly overextended, always reacting to crises, you can’t enjoy peace and contentment. Protect your spouse from hurry-sickness.
• Help your mate discover a sense of destiny. Discovering a sense of purpose is one of the most important things you can do for your partner.

• When he is upset, he will not talk – It is not necessarily a fear of intimacy that causes a man to withdraw emotionally and not talk about his feelings, but it is commonly his most efficient way to cope with strong feelings, negative or positive. His brain is organized to problem-solve as a way to minimize feelings and regain control of himself.
• After we get close, he pulls away and doesn’t want to talk – When a man gets close, many times strong feelings come up. To a certain extent, when these feelings come up, his mind goes blank and he loses a sense of control. While men, to various degrees, will always pull away after a period of closeness and intimacy, the amount of time a man needs for himself eventually becomes less and less as he feels that his partner accepts this tendency. On the other hand, if she always wants to be close to him, he will feel a greater need to pull away.
• When I talk about my feelings, he can’t just listen and feel what I am feeling, instead he starts for problem solving – While it is easy for women to feel, talk and think at the same time, it is much more difficult for many men. A man will tend to listen and talk (left brain activity) or he will feel, think and problem-solve (right brain activity). When a man listens and connects with a woman (left brain activity), he suddenly wants to minimize the uncomfortable feelings he begins to feel through problem solving (right brain activity). Once a man really understands that when a woman is upset, the problem she needs solved is her unfulfilled need to feel heard, then he can stay focused on her feelings without problem solving because he doesn’t feel immediately responsible for solving her problems.
• He rarely, if ever, says he loves me – In essence, when he says “I love you,” there is a “point to saying it.” And once he has said it, he doesn’t instinctively have a reason to say it again and again. Once a man learns that women thrive on being told they are loved, then a man has a reason for saying it more often.
• He doesn’t open up and share his feelings – When a man is bothered by something, he first needs to calm down by trying to solve his problems by himself. By using the right brain to silently solve it, he can get a grip on the problem and begin to relax. If a man and a woman have a tense argument, it is very healthy to take a timeout.
• He just doesn’t understand what I need when I am upset – When a man experiences how helpful it is for her if he just says nothing and tries to empathize with her feelings, then it becomes much easier for him to be a better listener.
• When he argues, he always has to be right – If a man is upset and wants to be right about a certain point, the only way to be heard is to postpone the conversation and give him time to cool off.

In general, however, it can be said that women tend to use both sides of their brains simultaneously, while men use one side or the other. This means that a man tends to use either his left brain language skills or his right brain spatial problem-solving skills, while a woman uses both at the same time.

Studies have revealed that some women have much more corpus callosum, or connective tissue, between the two hemispheres of the brain, which would account for a woman’s tendency to use both sides of the brain simultaneously. While some men may have more corpus callosum than some women, these men still use only one side of the brain at he same time, while the women use both. The impact of this difference is staggering.

While a woman may be quicker to speak out about her feelings, a man will tend to more quickly act to solve a problem. While she will want to explore a problem more fully through talking, a man will be restless to do something about it. While neither approach is necessarily better, the best approach is when you work together.

With an awareness of how men and women are different, you are freed from the tendency to try to change your partners at those times when you are not getting what you want. With a greater level of acceptance and understanding, not only does love flourish, but you can also much more wisely and effectively apply new skills for getting what you want.

Trying to ignore differences, however, only creates more confusion and frustration between the sexes. The generalizations you make about men and women are certainly not true for everyone at all times, but they are true for a lot of people. When they do not apply to your situation or experience, just set them aside like an outfit that others may buy but that you don’t. What is most important is that when the differences do show up, you will have positive and useful relationship skills for coping with them.

Understanding the broad categories of differences helps you to accept them in a noncritical way, and then assists you in working with them instead of against them. These differences begin to show up even more when couples begin to have intimate relationships; in some cases, they begin to show up still more when the couple has children.

When a woman is upset, her first tendency is to talk about it, then as she continues to talk, her cognitive abilities set in and she can think about what she is saying and feeling and thus sort it out. She starts out in the feeling part of the brain, then she travels to the communication part and from there she goes to the thinking portion. This is her most natural route because this is the order in which her skills developed. Gradually, she develops the ability to feel, talk and think at the same time.

For a man, his process of dealing with feelings is different because his skills developed in another order. First, his feeling center develops, next his action center and then his thinking. When he is upset, his first tendency is to do something about it. Action leads him to clearer thinking. Gradually, he develops the ability to feel, act and think at the same time.