The whole institution of marriage is in a state of evolution and change. The roles of husband and wife lack the definition they had only two generations ago, and the benefits you hope to find from relationships are completely upside down compared to earlier times. And unlike your parents and grandparents, you do not feel the need to marry in order to survive and be socially accepted.

You’re on Your Own

As a result of these changes, couples have no replacement for the old family support system and are left on their own, without mentors or trusted guides. This isolation is reinforced by the general belief that it is a sign of weakness to get help or it is wrong “to air your dirty laundry in public.”

We are left with millions of stoic couples residing in individual homes, practicing self-reliance and trying to reinvent the wheel called a “successful marriage.” Judging from the divorce statistics, we are not doing too well.

Choose your friends wisely

You can’t go to just anyone for support, because not everyone supports your relationship. And that is the determining factor in asking for help. Unless the person 1) stands behind you, 2) admires and cares about your spouse, and 3) cares about the success of your marriage, don’t go to them with your issues.

Your mother may love you unconditionally, but underneath, she may also think your husband is not good enough for you. If you go to her with complaints about him, she will readily agree with you. Someone taking your side may temporarily feel good, but it won’t help the matter.

You need someone who “knows” your husband and knows why you love him, so you can be reminded.

If someone doesn’t support both of you, you can still be friends, just don’t use that person when you need comfort or advice about your marriage.

The other groups of people not to go to at these times are individuals who are newly divorced or veterans of multiple divorces. You already know what they are likely to think is the answer to your problems. Unless that’s the answer you’re certain you’re looking for, stay away!

In addition to someone who is supportive of both of you, seek out successful role models. You’ll get much more valuable advice from people who have made their relationships work through thick and thin than from those who have failed but “learned” from their mistakes.

Don’t Wait

Don’t wait until the situation is critical before you seek help. People used to go to their parents or relatives for advice about even the smallest situations. Taking care of little annoyance in the early stages will prevent a major disturbance from erupting in the future. You will be amazed by the simplicity of the advice others offer and you hadn’t thought of.

Find What’s Best for You

Before problems become too great, seek professional counseling. There is still sometimes a stigma against therapy, as if by going to a counselor or therapist you are admitting weakness or defeat. Letting such feelings stop you from seeking assistance is as senseless as not going to an orthopedist to set a broken leg.

It’s downright stupid to suffer unnecessarily when there are so many caring, proficient counselors available. Living with the hope that the problem will clear up and go away on its own is not a solution. Face it; you can’t always handle it on your own.